It’s been a weird year. I’ve always been a do-er. I take everything on and find the time to complete it well. I might sacrifice some sleep or personal time, but if I’ve made a commitment, I won’t let you down.
But this year started, and I found myself at capacity.
Huh? That doesn’t make sense. I can always take on more.
I started January tired. And sad. I had been part of conversations and decisions around colleagues leaving, and it deeply impacted me. I was more emotional than usual and was not making my best decisions. I found myself unable to process and cope with behaviors that would normally be nothing. I know all the signs of burnout, I’ve worked through it with colleagues, yet I didn’t afford myself the same grace I’d given others as I felt an enormous responsibility for my team. I had to be there for them. We’d had significant changes in the team, and things were unsettled. Plus, I had a sabbatical coming up, so even more reason to show up.
Then I started to get head rushes. 20-30 a day. I got worried. My body was telling me there’s an issue. Off I went for blood tests, and my cortisol levels were depleted. I was for reals in burnout, with a risk of long-term damage if I didn’t sort it out immediately.
Naturally, I knew the doctor was wrong and went for a second opinion. Turns out she may have been right after all.
I had to tackle every stress my body was under. It seemed there were five clear stresses:
- Physical stress, from over-exercising
- Family stress
- Money stress
- Work stress
- Lifestyle stress
Working through each of them, I started making better decisions for myself. I cut down on gym, padel, netball, and hockey. Cutting out the physical stress was by far the most difficult. I love sports so much. It was replaced with daily meditations, monthly TRE, and dog walks. Trying to focus on calming my nervous system.
We started up marriage counseling again. We began to talk.
I went through a year’s worth of bank statements to see where I was overspending. I was living way outside of my means, and I knew it. I started cashing in every investment I had and paying off debt.
I cut down my work hours drastically. No evenings or weekend work. I normally work around 12 hours a day. Not anymore! I took a day off almost every week. All I’d do is sleep.
I stepped back from all goals I’d set for 2026. I stopped fundraising for causes that matter to me. I stopped saying yes. I stopped reaching out to people. If they messaged, I’d probably reply, but I stopped sending the proactive outreach. That energy had to be kept for me.
It’s been very weird. It’s a behavior change that, in some ways, feels good, but in other ways, is wildly uncomfortable as it’s very unfamiliar.
I guess it’s shifting more into the present, which can only be a good thing.
I’ve been off work for the past six weeks on a sabbatical. I thought that would immediately cure my low energy levels and my ability to cope. It hasn’t. It’s surprising how long it takes to restore depleted reserves.
Things have improved in the past week, though. I spent last week hiking the Hermanus Camino and ironically, walking 80km was one of the most cup-filling experiences I’ve had all year. It was a week with my Mom. A week with no dogs, children, or husband. A week of nobody needing me. A week where meals were put in front of me. Most of the week was without electricity (due to the recent storm damage), so I went to sleep early. I read! It was really lovely.
Tomorrow I get the results of my next set of bloods to see how things are looking. My head rushes have completely stopped, and I’ve been religious with my supplements to support my body. I’m feeling quite excited about what the bloods say. But I’m certainly not where I was last year. And whatever improvement I am feeling is very recent. I still don’t feel I can take much more on; I’m still not making great decisions. Every tiny bug that comes past, I catch. I was sick for two full weeks in April, and I’m sick again now with a cold. So, my immune system is asking for help. Plus, I’ve stopped losing weight, which is very annoying, but this is also a symptom of not having the energy to prepare proper meals.
I’m still not showing up fully for anyone other than myself. And I don’t actually think I am showing up fully for myself yet. I’m still choosing naps over everything and everyone. I’m still forgetting to reply to most messages. I got back from Hermanus ready to eat clean again, which has been wonderful. My kitchen is filled with the smells of delicious, lean meals. I’m forgetting birthdays and a lot of recent conversations (the memory loss is wild), but through all of this, I am hoping to find a balance between the Kim that chooses everyone over herself and the Kim that chooses herself.
Written without the use of AI.
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